Stephen Darori on Easy Jokes to Remember

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?
A: With four skin divers!

Q: Who are the 3 cowboys of Adon Olam?

A: Billy Raysheit, Billy Tachlit and Kid Ruchee

So, a martian spaceship lands in Central Park, and a crowd gathers around the creatures coming out to greet the assembled humans.

One of the humans ask, "we just noted that you have 3 arms and 3 legs. Does everyone on Mars have 3 arms and 3 legs"?

"Of course we all do!", replies the martian.

Another human asks, "and those 5 eyes. Do all martians possess 5 eyes?"

"Of course! What kind of a question is that?", replies the martian.

"And all those jewels that you are wearing. There must be a 5 karat earring on each of your 3 ears, 4 sapphires on each of your 3 nostrils, and an assortment of rubies and other precious stones around your necks and arms. Does everyone on Mars wear all that jewelry?"

To that the martian replied, "Well, not the goyim...."

A Jewish Textile salesman from NYC is in Des Moines Iowa. He missed the Last flight on Friday and ended up going to a house of Ill repute.
He approaches the Madam and asks for "The worst piece of ass you got"
The Madam quickly says
"We only have the finest ass on this side of the Mississippi"
The man comes back and says
"You don't understand...I'm not horny, just homesick!"

The Mexican maid asked her Jewish boss for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas
too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

THE SINKING BOAT
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat
starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim
so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard
class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from
shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float
alone?"
Saul replies,"Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

SHIVA
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family -
wife,children, grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was
allowed in the room at a time.
Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her
delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.
Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe
he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported what she'd said. "You tell Gramma Sadie
I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any
difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."

THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem . He's late for a meeting, he's looking
for a parking place, and can't find one.In desperation, he turns
towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I
promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the
holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face
up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

THE MEZUZAHS
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills .He brings
in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that
he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them
on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or
won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours
later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his
entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a
bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're
happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in
the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named
after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide."It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.

CHANUKAH STAMPS
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?"
"Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

Really liked "cultivate." Do you mind if use it on blog? Do not know how to credit you.

DocBarry

In Too Far

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

A JEWISH WIFE'S UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL AT HOME

Yankele's wife Feige came home early & found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!'

And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, & this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down & out & defenseless that I took rachmones [**pity ] **on her & let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed & very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home & warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, & while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty & full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it’s too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, & I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique & don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

Yankele took a quick breath & continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding & help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes & said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

I'm reaching out on behalf of a Jewish friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can you help him?

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

With Passover soon upon them, the Jewish community in Madrid found themselves in a desperate situation. There was an acute shortage of horseradish. You probably know that horseradish is the key, if not only, ingredient of that fiery condiment for gefilte fish that is known as chrain.

A hue and cry arose and the entire community was mobilized in an effort to prevent this shonda (shame, tragedy).

All the European Union countries gave the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send.

In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight.

Two days before Passover, a crate of grade Aleph, tear-jerking, Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto EL Al flight 789 to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid airport to claim the horseradish, he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

As a result, The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane. (sorry)

Happy Passover!

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Carl

An older Jewish gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."

Herpes

The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows??

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruthie! Ruthie! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

2 Jews are living on an island; they decide they will build 3 schuls; one for each of them and a third one which no one will go to

I met a girl on this site.
We talked awhile and she suggested we meet in person.
I agreed but she had one personal question for me.
OK, I said, What is it? She asked if I wore jockey shorts or bikini shorts
Depends, I replied
She hung up!

A man visits his friend and sees he has a dog; he asks the dog's name and the friend says it Einstein; he says does he know any trick; the friends says watch, throws a newspaper and yells fetch; the dog walks past the newspaper and jumps on the couch and starts speaking in perfect English saying how hard it is to be a dog, his feet always ache, he has to worry about fleas, etc
His friend is amazed seeing he speaks English and says his dog is a genius; the man says he isn't so smart; he thought I said kvetch

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Stephen Darori on Easy Jokes to Remember

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